When you open up and can clearly see your faults, you change. I felt bitterness for being everyone’s punching bag and shit collecting container. Always getting the fucked up end and sometimes the whole part of relationships, so they can leave me mentally, emotionally, and physically broken and then show the next lover how amazing they are, and then people telling me you had to be horrible because he does everything for her, or me. Like really, break my life, break my spirit, break me down and then show the next one your heart. I have a mouth on me don’t get me wrong, and I am strong and will not allow you to treat me like shit, but there is only but so much a woman or man can take in a relationship. And I spent almost 20 of my 37 years in this cycle of emotional abuse, mental abuse and physical abuse.
But somehow, I still look for love, partnership(s), and hope for a better life. Talk about staying strong and looking for hope right lol. Glutton for punishment. But life and people aren’t all that bad are they. What was needed in my life of being here that these were the relationships that i gravitated to, seemed to seek out. What was so broken within myself that I felt these were worth (not sure that is the word I am looking for) my nervous breakdowns, the contemplating of suicide, the trying to do it?
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. But do you run towards it or do you hesitate? Is it a break form the abuse, or is it more that needs to get through you? What is at the end of the tunnel? I never want to know. I shy away form the light, but subconsciously run right to that bitch lol. I don’t believe people when they say they have everything fine in their life. I know it is a lie. If so, then why the fuck you still here? To guide others, yes because maybe that is a part of your life in the past that you failed at horribly. No one wants to be here, I would not volunteer for this shit ever again lol. We are voluntold (Military)that we are coming back. And we make the best of it and try to do better. When i get dejavu, I know that I need to pay attention for when it comes back up. Or I will be right back in this bitch, like see, you didn’t listen last time, now look at you. But sometimes they are not the times when I went wrong, they are the times that I get the warm feelys lol, the good sensations, like you were supposed to be here last time, so we are gad you made it this time around.
These are the painful moments of my life. But I can’t look past them, my higher self won’t allow me too. After all, what good would that do? Not a damn thing. Insightful? Hell yes! This entire working is insightful, and it gives my the foundation that I need to do a deeper working on it at a later time. When I can devote a lot of energy to it. That is what I love about these 30 day challenges. You can get the ball rolling and ID your issues and then make a plan to execute them.
I can see others perfectly, no issues, no drama, no nothing. But I can’t see shit for myself lol. But it is fine. I am getting better in time, and with time, it is only going to strength. After all years ago I saw something in a Black Mirror when I didn’t have control over my abilities and it scared me for almost 2 decades. But now I think, I know I have the abilities and capabilities to reach out and UNDERSTAND what it is that I need to see.
Serenity of the Dark 